Domestic violence occurs in all communities and is essentially everywhere. An abusive partner will typically try to have power and control over you. That’s why I stress the importance of not ignoring the signs and run the other way! We all deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Moreover, I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge domestic violence survivors and briefly share my story with you all. I hope that I can be a voice for victims that are still unable to share their stories.

From 13-18, I was dating my first boyfriend. It was not love. This guy was so controlling and verbally abusive. He even spit in my face which is the most demeaning thing you can do to someone. As I tried to leave, he would threaten to take his own life. When I finally left him, I purposely went to the city to hang out to be away from him. Instead of hanging out in Long Island. Of course, he didn’t like that. Just like many abusers, he tried to isolate me from my loved ones by beating up a guy I was friends with and basically sleeping with my “friends.” You know the type of friends you learn about planets with as kids.

When I turned 19, I chose to spend my time abroad in Italy.  I was there for four months. When I came back from Italy, I switched schools. I was able to make new friends. At the time, I had a new boyfriend and he was so fearful of my ex; everyone was so afraid of him. Unfortunately, the harassments didn’t stop as he threated to kill my family with a gun, over voice message,  and my boyfriend at the time deleted it. Unbelievable! I could’ve used that to finally put an end to this madness.

To be honest, I think the reason why I stayed in that relationship for so long was because I saw my parents going through a divorce and a part of me just didn’t want to give up.

Now, I’ve glowed up and I’m living my best life in the most healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m happy but I just want to speak to the people out there that are still suffering in an abusive relationship. Don’t allow that person to suffocate you to the point where they gain full control over your life.

Love is not controlling! You can get through this. Talk to your family, trusted friends or a therapist that can help you get the heck out of that toxic relationship!

WHAT DOES RELATIONSHIP ABUSE LOOK LIKE?

Physical Abuse

• Pull your hair or punch, slap, kick, bite, choke, or smother you.
• Forbid or prevent you from eating or sleeping.
• Use weapons against you, including firearms, knives, bats, or mace.
• Prevent you from contacting emergency services, including medical attention or law enforcement.
• Harm your children or pets.
• Drive recklessly or dangerously with you in the car or abandon you in unfamiliar places.
• Force you to use drugs or alcohol, especially if you have a history of substance abuse.
• Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving.
• Throw objects at you.
• Prevent you from taking prescribed medication or deny you necessary medical treatment.

Emotional and Verbal Abuse

• Calling you names, insulting you, or constantly criticizing you.
• Acting jealous or possessive or refusing to trust you
• Isolating you from family, friends, or other people in your life.
• Monitoring your activities with or without your knowledge, including demanding to know where you go, who you contact, and how you spend your time.
• Attempting to control what you wear, including clothes, makeup, or hairstyles.
• Humiliating you in any way, especially in front of others.
• Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.
• Threatening you, your children, your family, or your pets (with or without weapons).
• Damaging your belongings, including throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.
• Blaming you for their abusive behaviors.
• Accusing you of cheating, or cheating themselves and blaming you for their actions.
• Cheating on you to intentionally hurt you and threatening to cheat again to suggest that they’re “better” than you.
• Telling you that you’re lucky to be with them or that you’ll never find someone better.

Sexual Abuse

• Force you to dress in a sexual way you’re uncomfortable with.
• Insult you in sexual ways or call you explicit names.
• Force or manipulate you into having sex or performing sexual acts, especially when you’re sick, tired, or physically injured from their abuse.
• Choke you or restrain you during sex without your consent.
• Hold you down during sex without your consent.
• Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
• Involve other people in your sexual activities against your will.
• Ignore your feelings regarding sex.
• Force you to watch or make pornography.
• Intentionally give you or attempt to give you a sexually transmitted infection.

Sexual Coercion

• Implying that you owe them something sexually in exchange for previous actions, gifts, or consent.
• Giving you drugs or alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions.
• Using your relationship status as leverage, including by demanding sex as a way to “prove your love” or by threatening to cheat or leave.
• Reacting with sadness, anger, or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something, or trying to normalize their sexual demands by saying that they “need” it.
• Continuing to pressure you after you say no or intimidating you into fearing what will happen if you say no.

Reproduction Coercion

• Refusing to use a condom or other types of birth control.
• Breaking or removing a condom before or during sex, or refusing to pull out.
• Lying about methods of birth control (i.e. having a vasectomy or being on the pill).
• Removing birth control methods like rings, IUDs, or contraceptive patches, or sabotaging methods by poking holes in condoms or tampering with pills.
• Withholding money to purchase birth control.
• Monitoring your menstrual cycles to inform their abuse.
• Forcing pregnancy or not supporting your decisions about when or if to have children.
• Intentionally becoming pregnant against your wishes.
• Forcing you to get an abortion or preventing you from getting one.
• Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t agree to end or continue a pregnancy.
• Keeping you pregnant by getting you pregnant again shortly after you have a child.

Financial Abuse

• Providing an allowance and closely monitoring how you spend it, including demanding receipts for purchases.
• Depositing your paycheck into an account you can’t access.
• Preventing you from viewing or accessing bank accounts.
• Preventing you from working, limiting the hours that you can work, getting you fired, or forcing you to work certain types of jobs.
• Maxing out your credit cards without permission, not paying credit card bills, or otherwise harming your credit score.
• Stealing money from you, your family, or your friends.
• Withdrawing money from children’s savings accounts without your permission.
• Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household.
• Forcing you to provide them with your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns.
• Refusing to provide money for necessary or shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, medical care, or medicine.

Digital Abuse

• Telling you who you can or can’t follow, or be friends with on social media.
• Sending you negative, insulting, or threatening messages or emails.
• Using social media to track your activities.
• Insulting or humiliating you in their posts online, including posting unflattering photos or videos.
• Sending, requesting, or pressuring you to send unwanted explicit photos or videos, sexts, or otherwise compromising messages.
• Stealing or insisting on being given your account passwords.
• Constantly texting you or making you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you’ll anger them.
• Looking through your phone or checking up on your pictures, texts, and phone records.
• Using any kind of technology (such as spyware or GPS in a car or phone) to monitor your activities.
• Using smart home technology, smart speakers, or security cameras to track your movements, communications, and activities.
• Creating fake social media profiles in your name and image, or using your phone or email to send messages to others pretending to be you, as a way to embarrass or isolate you.

Stalking

• Showing up at your home or workplace unannounced or uninvited.
• Sending you unwanted texts, messages, letters, emails, or voicemails.
• Leaving you unwanted items, gifts, or flowers.
• Calling you and hanging up repeatedly or making unwanted phone calls to you, your employer, a professor, or a loved one.
• Using social media or technology to track your activities.
• Spreading rumors about you online or in person.
• Manipulating other people to investigate your life, including using someone else’s social media account to look at your profile or befriending your friends in order to get information about you.
• Waiting around at places you spend time.
• Damaging your home, car, or other property.
• Hiring a private investigator to follow or find you as a way of knowing your location or movements.

Source: thehotline.org

You are  Not alone. If there’s no one you feel comfortable speaking with,  there are plenty online therapy apps to get you connected with someone you is willing and able to help.